My mental health journey

It was so nice to get away... I actually felt genuinely okay for the first time since October.  Back to reality though, yesterday was absolutely hell at work. We're forecasting lfl decline so we have bare minimum staff yet we did £700 over forecast. This basically means we got our asses handed to us and I slept 10 hours to recover. It's day like these I really miss talking to my ex... I really, really wanted to call him last night, just to vent but I know he doesn't want to hear from me and I've finally gone a few days without contacting him (a sad thing to be proud of, I know).  I have a date on Sunday though, this one's a bit different because it's with a guy I've been talking with for a while now and I actually kind of like him. He knows I'm still in love with my ex and I've explicitly told him nothing physical would happen yet he's still really keen to take me out. Who knows, maybe he thinks there's a chance despite everything just like h...

Been helping work a lot with training staff for the new open in Westerfield, a lot of driving and late nights hence the lack of posts last few days.. I should be happy I'm very busy but I still can't seem to distract myself from the loss of my relationship. I struggle to seperate my emotions so it takes a big toll giving 100% at work. I don't know if this makes me strong or weak?  Anyway, I'm currently writing this blog post today on a train in Belgium! We managed to make bonus at work so I don't feel too guilty about spending the money plus I really needed to get away.  I don't think Belgium was my finest choice though, it was spur of the moment as I have a few days holiday and I already knew from experience how quick and easy it was to get to. I came here last year with my ex and it's simply made me realise how much I miss our journeys. I really wish he was here with me and not some randomer...😔  Not going to let that sadness get it the way though! En rou...

So I've just finished the shift from hell.. full restaurant from 12 - 21. I love being at work, it completely distracts me from my broken heart and I actually like what I do. However, tonight was physically and mentally draining. So much so I just sat in my car and cried for 20 minutes. I haven't properly cried over my ex in a few weeks so I guess it was building up.  How is it possible to love someone this much? How do people process the loss of a loved one? How do people process a death in the family? Falling in love with someone always carries a risk I guess, you just think it'll never happen to you.  Today wasn't the best day but I'm still feeling more positive than usual, even when I'm not (if that makes sense?!)...  Another day, another dollar tomorrow though, kitchen extension isn't going to pay for itself! I need to keep pushing forward.

They say that people with depression start their day backwards..  they wake up tired and are wide awake at night. This seems to be my pattern at the moment that I'm hoping this medication will break.  The good news is that once I'm up and out my mood generally picks up and I start to feel more positive and this has only been getting better each day.  I need to remember to focus on the short term goals and the first one is the get the extension completed for the house, still waiting on the architect at the moment so in the mean time all I can do is focus on not spending any money and saving every penny! New kitchens and extensions aren't cheap! Luckily, last Christmas, my uncle-in-law who's an experienced builder offered his services for free! So I should feel blessed really ☺️  I still miss my ex very dearly but I'm starting to realise that you cannot rely on one person for stability.. only you can do that yourself. Wish me luck 🥂

So I had a moment of weakness today and messaged my ex... I'm really struggling to say goodbye. I absolutely hate feeling out of control but again, it's a life lesson that I have to accept you can't control everything. I don't think I'll be able to stop contact completely but I'm hoping if I keep the contact limited then slowly I can give up. This is my biggest test, moving on...  On a more positive note, my Spanish is improving! Hopefully if I keep the lessons up then I can be fluent which was my news years revolution :)