My mental health journey

Been helping work a lot with training staff for the new open in Westerfield, a lot of driving and late nights hence the lack of posts last few days.. I should be happy I'm very busy but I still can't seem to distract myself from the loss of my relationship. I struggle to seperate my emotions so it takes a big toll giving 100% at work. I don't know if this makes me strong or weak?  Anyway, I'm currently writing this blog post today on a train in Belgium! We managed to make bonus at work so I don't feel too guilty about spending the money plus I really needed to get away.  I don't think Belgium was my finest choice though, it was spur of the moment as I have a few days holiday and I already knew from experience how quick and easy it was to get to. I came here last year with my ex and it's simply made me realise how much I miss our journeys. I really wish he was here with me and not some randomer...😔  Not going to let that sadness get it the way though! En rou...

So I've just finished the shift from hell.. full restaurant from 12 - 21. I love being at work, it completely distracts me from my broken heart and I actually like what I do. However, tonight was physically and mentally draining. So much so I just sat in my car and cried for 20 minutes. I haven't properly cried over my ex in a few weeks so I guess it was building up.  How is it possible to love someone this much? How do people process the loss of a loved one? How do people process a death in the family? Falling in love with someone always carries a risk I guess, you just think it'll never happen to you.  Today wasn't the best day but I'm still feeling more positive than usual, even when I'm not (if that makes sense?!)...  Another day, another dollar tomorrow though, kitchen extension isn't going to pay for itself! I need to keep pushing forward.

They say that people with depression start their day backwards..  they wake up tired and are wide awake at night. This seems to be my pattern at the moment that I'm hoping this medication will break.  The good news is that once I'm up and out my mood generally picks up and I start to feel more positive and this has only been getting better each day.  I need to remember to focus on the short term goals and the first one is the get the extension completed for the house, still waiting on the architect at the moment so in the mean time all I can do is focus on not spending any money and saving every penny! New kitchens and extensions aren't cheap! Luckily, last Christmas, my uncle-in-law who's an experienced builder offered his services for free! So I should feel blessed really ☺️  I still miss my ex very dearly but I'm starting to realise that you cannot rely on one person for stability.. only you can do that yourself. Wish me luck 🥂

So I had a moment of weakness today and messaged my ex... I'm really struggling to say goodbye. I absolutely hate feeling out of control but again, it's a life lesson that I have to accept you can't control everything. I don't think I'll be able to stop contact completely but I'm hoping if I keep the contact limited then slowly I can give up. This is my biggest test, moving on...  On a more positive note, my Spanish is improving! Hopefully if I keep the lessons up then I can be fluent which was my news years revolution :) 

Today was very hard to wake up to. The reality is you can't undo the past and you have to live with the regret of your actions or lack thereof. Yes, we all make mistakes, I'm human afterall...  I was just involved in something I hate myself for. It's a horrible pill to swallow but it is a part of life, you can only try to learn from your past and to make yourself a better person.  These past few months I have tried forcing myself to be happy; taking on a new sport, signing up to classes to improve my Spanish, put myself out there with work and got the promotion I wanted. It worked on some days but when the bad days came, they came hard. On these days I missed my ex with so much passion that it drove me insane. I would cry uncontrollably and beg him to let me talk to him. It was like a drug, after talking for a while my anxiety would disappear and I would feel okay again but of course that was not good. My brain craved that hit of dopamine when I talked with him and I had ...

Spur of the moment but I've decided to write a blog so that I can keep track of the progress with my mental health.  In case someone else is reading this, let's give some background info to my story... After my relationship breakdown back in October 2019 to the person I was truly in love with and wanted to marry, I struggled massively to accept this loss and to move on graciously. Instead, I turned into a manic depressive who had suicidal thoughts and couldn't stop contacting her ex for reassurance/deluded into thinking if I kept contacting him he would suddenly take me back.  Fast forward 3 months of constant crying and still struggling to accept it's over, I found myself tonight doing something incredibly stupid. My friend was staying over for a few days, we'll name her M, for moral support as I had decided that tonight would be the night I said goodbye to my past and give up on my ex. During the evening M was scrolling through tinder when she came across my ex...