Tuesday 7th Jan

Spur of the moment but I've decided to write a blog so that I can keep track of the progress with my mental health. 

In case someone else is reading this, let's give some background info to my story...

After my relationship breakdown back in October 2019 to the person I was truly in love with and wanted to marry, I struggled massively to accept this loss and to move on graciously. Instead, I turned into a manic depressive who had suicidal thoughts and couldn't stop contacting her ex for reassurance/deluded into thinking if I kept contacting him he would suddenly take me back. 

Fast forward 3 months of constant crying and still struggling to accept it's over, I found myself tonight doing something incredibly stupid. My friend was staying over for a few days, we'll name her M, for moral support as I had decided that tonight would be the night I said goodbye to my past and give up on my ex. During the evening M was scrolling through tinder when she came across my ex's profile... Now, I knew he was on tinder but seeing it made it real and made my heart sink into despair. I was honest with her and told her that I wish I knew what kind of girls he was talking to etc.. long story short, she ended up changing her profile to make it look like someone else (as he knew her) so she could message him. I don't know what the aim was but for me, the curiosity was too much.. I wanted to know what he was like on tinder so badly however... Just like the famous saying goes, curiosity killed the cat. I should've told her to stop but I didn't and it cost me. 

My ex soon realised it was a fake profile and who obviously could it be? Well of course it was a joint effort but I take full blame. He's the person I love most in the world and I said nothing. 

The moment I realised he found out, I have never felt more sick in my life. The instant regret was overwhelming and I am still so mad at the decision I made tonight that I've vowed to never be that person again. Like my ex said "that's so low" and he's right, that's the lowest I've sunk since our breakup which was a massive wake up call... So in order to never be that person again I've decided to write a daily blog of my day-to-day life hoping that it will help improve my mental health and the issues I've been dealing with since our breakup. Fingers crossed.